he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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