Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
