I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize