I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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