Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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