I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize