There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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