He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
