i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
