Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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