he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
