He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
