how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
