Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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