I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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