DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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