I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
