I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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