I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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