I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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