my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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