I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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