Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
