So drunk its hurt
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize