Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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