I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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