I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
