I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
