May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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