finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
