just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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