remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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