He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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