Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
