I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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