Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you didnt know i had herpes?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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