I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
