Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
