Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
