so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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