Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My breath smells like gin and sadness
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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