Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize