it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she woke up with a sticky ear
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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