when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
