All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
