He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
