How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You are the jesus of drinking
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
