I need to stop coming to work sober
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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