im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
