I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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