yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
