About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
