You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
