I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
