hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Found the puke drawer
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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