Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
