i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
