if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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