Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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