my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
